1.19.16

So this distance thing…is all a load of bull.

I’m sitting at home. In my underwear. At 8PM on a Tuesday night. I just got home from happy hour with my best friend. I’m not drunk, not even close, but nevertheless…the alcohol has clouded my focus.

I’m frustrated.

It’s been two months since I’ve had a real, full-time job. It was kind of nice at first, actually. I’d already had a long trip home for the holidays scheduled, so not having work just felt like I was back in school and on winter break.

Only…I’m not in school anymore.

Friends have asked me what I do all day. I mean, what the hell do you do when you’re unemployed? How long can you actually spend applying for jobs? Well, I don’t watch Netflix…I don’t play video games. In fact, I probably spend less time watching Netflix now than I did while I was working full-time. And I won’t allow myself to play games because I don’t want to be sucked in. So, what is it that I do?

I’m consumed by my job search. I spend my days searching and applying for jobs. Adjusting my resume. Updating cover letters. Interviewing. Researching. Writing. Anything to make me more competitive. I’ve had leads and rounds of interviews and yet here I am, still collecting unemployment.

What am I doing wrong?

It’s hard to wake up in the morning. No just because I have nowhere to go, no reason to apply make up, no reason to even change out of my pajamas but…I’ve never been so stressed. So unsure. All I want is to feel secure again. To have a steady paycheck. A place to go. A reason to at least apply mascara before rushing out the door…

I talk big game. I’m all about this “boss babe” bullshit because it’s all I have right now to keep me motivated. I know that I’m smart & good at what I do. I know that God has a plan. I know that it’s not my fault I was laid off & I know that I’ll find something.

Eventually.

But right now, my head is spinning. My lease is nearly up & I don’t know where I’m moving to. I’ll need my mom to cosign & I hate that. I’m too proud to ask for help. I want a job. I want to help myself.

And I want my neighbors to take their damn skateboard somewhere else.

So, I guess in a way, this is my apology to everyone around me. I’m sorry that I’m grouchy. I’m sorry that I’m avoiding people. That I’m sick of feeling pulled in a million different directions & that I’m tired of being out. I want to. I want to go out & have fun with my friends. I want to laugh…I mean really laugh, from your belly, like you may never stop. But nothing is funny. I’m just bored. I can’t stop making lists of everything I should be doing right now. It’s like I’m drowning and no matter how many things I get done…for every one thing, a million more pop up. I’m drowning but I can’t afford to slack.

It’s so hard to just hang out with people. There’s a very short list of people I can see right now, or talk to. They help. Even without trying. And I can’t handle much more.

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