I’m a self-proclaimed Queen of Boundaries. It’s my defense. How I stay sane. Sure, I crave the company of others. I’m not a hermit, I’m outgoing. I love meeting new people & making new friends…but on my own terms.
That’s probably why I date. I’ve found it’s a fun way to meet people & see new places around town. But very seldom does anyone get past my initial “getting to know you” chapter. I don’t open up. I can be “Spark Notes Me” & nothing deeper. It works. I get the human interaction I crave – the attention – without the vulnerability. It keeps the lonliness at bay. I like that. I maintain my strength & independence, while getting what I want. It’s a win-win.
I never meant for any of it to happen.
I’ve learned a lot from my past relationships – whether it took weeks, months, or even years to open my eyes properly – I’ve learned I’ll be okay.
I met a Boy & he was…incredible. You may have seen a few past entries about him, The Boy Who Eats Sour Candies Like A Child (Il Mange des Bon Bons Comme un Enfant). I still don’t know what it was about him that captivated me so…but whatever it was, he broke a record. It was only a few days before I felt comfortable with him, comfortable opening up to him…I was happy. He made me feel content. At ease.
Like I’d never quite felt before…
He broke down so many walls. I found myself admitting things to him that I’d barely been able to tell my best friends.
And I barely knew him.
Two months ago, I wrote:
Regardless of hat happens tomorrow, I’m happy today. What’s even greater is that I still feel independent. Still strong. Still me.
…And even if nothing comes of it…it’s worth it.
Now, here I am, roughly two months later, sitting alone in my apartment. The last few weeks have been one heart ache after another & I feel like I’ll never catch a break. While he hasn’t been the only cause of my sorrow, he has been the main cause of my confusion. And I do hate being confused.
I like solutions. Answers. No matter how difficult it may be to find them.
But…life is messy. And there isn’t always a clear-cut solution. Or you can’t always get an answer. Maybe you don’t believe the answer. Life’s messy.
So, I think what’s most difficult for me to accept is that this probably isn’t something I’ll ever find a solution for. I know how I felt, and still feel. But that’s it. I let him break down my walls, without even meaning to, without thinking about it. After everything that happened…he changed my life. As brief as our time was together, I can honestly say that I will never be the same. And all this…makes it so hard to move on.
He did make me so happy, at least for a little while. At this point, I don’t think there’s anything left to be salvaged…so I know that nothing will ever come of the short relationship we had. I have at least that to dwell on as I try to move on.
…And knowing all this, at least I can still say that it was worth it.