you’re just as sane as I am

He’s unlike any man I’ve ever known…much less dated. He’s spontaneous. Risky. Passionate. Easygoing. Smart. Sweet. Fearless. Snarky. Impetuous. Wonderful.

He has certainly earned being referred to by his real name in my phone book and with my friends. In the short time we’ve dated, we’ve surpassed the “Honeymoon Phase.” We’ve fought. We’ve taken care of each other. Spent an obscene amount of time together…except that it’s not obscene and we leave each other wanting more. He told me that I’m the best woman in his life right now.

…So why did I just devour a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a bottle of wine?

I’ve been in some seriously messed up relationships. Relationships I know were toxic now and knew were toxic at the time. This…isn’t like that. For starters, we refuse to even label it as a “relationship” and maybe that’s crazy but you know what? I like it. It’s the 21st Century. We create our own rules. 

But my number one rule is that I refuse to accept disrespect. It’s a mistake I’ve made in not one – not even two – but three relationships I’ve been in thus far. And I’m done. It’s one thing when you’re not fully yourself. When you’re dealing with mental health issues that leave you lost. But in spite of my continued but treated issues, I’m confident as hell and I know that I can’t be in any sort of relationship – even just a friendship – with someone who doesn’t respect me. Or with someone I don’t respect. I don’t mess around. I don’t play games. I am who I am and if you don’t like it, I don’t really care.

My fear of the feelings I’ve had for this man are gone. Yeah, they happened far quicker than I could even imagine, but I accept the way I feel about him and I’ve embraced it. After all, there’s no sense in fighting it.

But when we do fight…we’re polar opposites in nearly every way…but in a great way. In the way that kind of levels out our extremes and brings us to some level of normalcy. But we’re both extremely headstrong.

I’ve learned patience. And regardless of what comes out of this endeavor – whether we’re done like I yelled to him on my way out the door, whether we stay together for a few months or a year, whether we get married, or whether we stay in this no-named exclusive not-relationship forever – even gaining a bit of patience is a huge success for me as a person, friend, and lover.

But right now, tonight, we’re both hotheads. 

And that’s where I’m at right now. In spite of my overwhelming range of emotions and indecision (exemplified plainly in the terrible ADHD of tonight’s writing…), all I know is what I deserve. I realize that in the heat of the moment, we all do and say things we don’t mean. I’m the Queen of that. But I’m terrified of finding myself in yet another toxic relationship. I’m sick of settling for anything less than what I deserve.

Someday, I’ll find it. It’s not my fault that some (okay, most…) men have the emotional range of a teaspoon. 

 

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